Dear Miss Laurie – June 2010

Dear Miss Laurie,

At the time of writing this your Dad and I have celebrated our four year wedding anniversary.
If every year was worth a dollar we’d be at… what… four by now. You could buy half a Fishing News Magazine for that. By the time you read this though, you probably couldn’t even buy a fart for that amount of money… cause to fart you need food and in the future when you read this I’m assuming food wont even exist anymore. We’ll all be munching on pills like astronauts. I’ve always wanted to have a roast dinner by capsule.

Being pregnant turned me into a Dragon with OCD. Daily, I disinfected EVERYTHING with my partner in crime… Dettol Disinfectant. Hospital Grade. Kills 99.9% of germs.
The more pregnant I got, the more often strangers smiled at me.
I wonder why… maybe its cause I was fatter than they were.

The Summer passed by and it is the first summer I have never received a tan from the sun… I guess who needs one when you have a 42″ Plasma TV.
The rays that thing gives can pretty much roast a chicken.

You were ten days late cause your hand was on your head.
After being violated by my midwife THREE TIMES (you’re welcome), I was induced.
I can’t quite put the experience into words… I will say this though, when my waters were being broken, I was briefly hooked up to the gas and became unresponsive for 30 seconds, my pupils were pinpoint and I tried to run out of the room with no pants on. Classy.

At 4.15pm, Tuesday the 16th of February 2010, without drugs or any other aid – you were in my arms. A 3 hr and 15 minute labour. SWEET. AND apparently I didn’t scream or make much noise… yeeeah boy!! I did want to kick my assistant midwife in the head though.
Let me just say that I know why they call it crowning now – cause not only the crown but the entire throne makes its way out.

If only babies just grew in the garden…

So Miss Laurie, you’re now 4 months old and you still can’t say “Rhinoscerous” – if you are going to be the genius that pays for our retirement like we want you to be, then I suggest you take me seriously when I’m trying to teach you rather than just laugh, bubble and give me screams in ear piercing octaves.

You’re getting closer to the age where you start playing ‘lets go drink stuff from under the sink’ and I’ve growled you once. I also accidently turned your bedroom light on at 2am one morning you decided not to sleep through and were chatting to yourself, so the light hit your brand new baby retinas like a bat in the face.
I swear I’m a good Mother though.

Days turn to weeks so quickly – and you now sit on my hip.
You still sleep through the night like you did at 4 days old and for some reason people think my job is so much easier *shakes fist*. If it looks easy, it’s because I choose not to let you change every aspect of our lives, rather I let you find your place amongst ours.

I hate thinking that one day a bee might sting your foot, that you’ll ever fall off a bike, that a friend might be mean to you, that one day you might nurse a broken heart.
Just remember, Mama can always get a karate book out from the library and give whatever it is, a dealing to… and that I will always be here to hug you – no matter what obstacle, no matter your age.

Your Dad is apparently your favourite thing in the world. But you know, don’t you worry about me… all I did was carry you in my stomach and give up food for nine months. Lets not even go there with what I had to go through to get you out… no I’ve changed my mind, lets go there… I squeezed you out of my Vagina… there I said it.
I suppose I wouldn’t care as much if he changed nearly as much of your “biohazard” nappies as I do… you know, the ones that had come out of the sides of your pants and drip on the floor.
He wakes you up in the mornings and you are so excited to see him that you sound like a feral cat being attacked my a pack of gangly wolves. Totally adorable.

Never in my life would I have expected myself to be a 24 year old going to bed with “The Wiggles” songs in my head – I didn’t know that there were more words to “Hot Potato Hot Potato” than just “Hot Potato Hot Potato”…. apparently cold Spaghetti and squashed Banana get a mention too. So profound. No wonder those guys are rich.

You’re not that much of a crier really – unless it comes to you spitting your dummy, someone blocking your vision to the TV or your Dad not checking the bottle temperature properly and giving you a piping hot swig of milk where he practically almost has to wear oven mits to give it to you cause it burns so bad…. but my word… the calm before the storm. You get this look in your eye and all of a sudden youre purple and we all get to see your stomach through your mouth. And dont you play it up. Like it is the worst thing in the world. Then you nuzzle in to my arms and you let out a huge sigh like, “I know that what just happened was a tragedy for all of us, but I’ve decided I can move on.”

Miss Laurie, if I could ever have known that loving you feels like this, your arrival would have been earlier.
One day you will grow up and find your place in the World. You will have views, you will have passions, you will have insecurities. Just know you don’t have to be the prettiest, the most popular girl in the room. Beauty is fleeting. You don’t have to fill the silence with noise to be noticed. Just know who you are in God. Know who you are inside. Know your own worth.
Love who you are. Accept your qualities and nurture them. Don’t hang your head in shame, allow who you truely are to shine through. No-one likes a wet blanket or a moody Mary so be the person that is genuinely nice. The friend that we all want. The person that encourages others in their success. Accept who you are and get on with life. It isn’t about feeling sorry for yourself. Honour God. He will honour you and your desires. People are attracted to those that choose to shine on no matter the circumstance. Be that person my baby. You are so valuable.

Anyway, I think I’ve covered what I’ve wanted to say so let me just end on something I’ve already mentioned…

I squeezed you out of my Vagina.

Love Mama,


♦ cause things are still beautiful 2nd time around ♦

3 thoughts on “Dear Miss Laurie – June 2010

  1. Sarah (Chez Lee)

    I like your style! Brilliant, hilarious and full of teary emptional stuff too! Just visiting from KMB. I found reading this really special – especially because my third daughter was also born on 16 Feb! Wishing you all the very best x

  2. Michelle

    I'm with Sarah – I laughed out loud and cried. You have such a beautiful talent at writing – I think you will be rich one day! At that time, remember we are friends! 😉


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